Post 1: New beginnings or same old story?

So here it goes.

I’m a 26 newly wed woman with my whole life in front of me. I should be looking forward to the future, but instead I’m dreading it.

To put into context: I suffered a mental breakdown 2 years ago and have been in recovery since. I have however battled with anxiety and bouts of depression for as long as I remember. I really wish I had kept a journal while I was at my worst. That might sound odd – it’s hardly something I would look back nostalgically on. But I barely remember that part of my life. Perhaps it’s a blessing.

Last year was amazing. I had a fresh chapter in my line of work. New challenges, a clean slate from the previous year and a wedding to plan and keep me busy. It’s the first year I’ve had where I’ve been, for lack of a better word, stable. At my best. Not worrying as much. Emotions under control.

Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life. It was picture perfect from beginning to end. We had an amazing safari honeymoon and after everything we had been through with my mental health it was an incredible way to start married life.

I expected this was coming. Once the excitement and wedding buzz was over. To return to earth with a thump. I’m not saying I don’t love being married – we are happier than ever together. I can’t help but worry about what comes next…

Babies. That’s all anyone asks about. It doesn’t help that 5 people that are close to us are all pregnant. I’m happy for them of course I am. But I can’t help but worry…

When IS the right time to have a baby?

What if I relapse and suffer with post/pre natal depression?

What if we leave it too late? If we struggle to conceive and miss our chance?

Perhaps if I have all these worries it shows I’m not ready. But all I’ve ever wanted to be is a mother. At the same time, I am terrified. Will I always feel this way? What if that feeling never goes away?

Then there is work. I worry so much about succeeding that the second my boss comes into my room I get clammy, sweaty and nervous of what they will think of my performance. It happened today and I wanted to cry. Nothing was going disastrously wrong but it wasn’t exactly going swimmingly either. I couldn’t stop these thoughts:

“That’s it. They’ve written me off as a bad employee”

“They’re only coming in to check up on you because they think you’re rubbish”

“You’re the weak link in the team”

“Look at their faces. They are not impressed. You’re going to get called into the office later for a dressing down”

Tonight was the first time in a long time I’d had urges to self harm. I was disgusted in myself. I hated myself for it. How can I be a mother when I want to do that to myself? Thankfully, I didn’t. I’m trying to be kind to myself. Telling myself that I’m stronger then I was, that I can stop myself and that I am in far more control.

I can’t help but wonder: is this really my new beginning – or is it the same old story?

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