Post 2: why am I feeling like this again?

So I’m I’m lying in bed with silent tears running down my cheeks. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

I can’t put my finger on why exactly I’m feeling down tonight. Is it the fact that I’m behind on my work and housework? I get into this cycle of feeling down, not wanting to do anything which in turn makes me feel even worse.

Is is that I don’t have much coming up? I spent most of today looking at my empty calendar wondering why I never received a text asking when I was free- but always being the one sending them out. Is it because I’m the friend no one really misses? The friend that it’s fine to meet up with if convenient but not one you go out of your way to see? The friend you see because you feel obliged when they ask? Because why would anyone want to spend time with someone feeling like this?

Is it the fact that I’m too stubborn to give my mum a ring because we had a stupid row last week? She hurt my feelings and I’m tired of her inability to not feel any remorse or admit any wrongdoing. Still. Who is really suffering now? Pretty pathetic really. My own mum doesn’t even text me let alone anyone else.

Pretty pathetic reasons now I’ve written them all down. Don’t give me that “be kinder to yourself – you wouldn’t say that to a friend” because a friend might not say it but they’d think it. Boo hoo you. You’re a bit behind, stuck in a rut and annoyed with your mum. I’m lucky those are the only things wrong in my life. Why can’t I just pull myself together and get on with it? Maybe then I would he on top of everything and people might actually want to spend time with me.

Is it happening again? Is this a “relapse”? I’ve had all the counselling, the CBT, the medication I shouldn’t be going backwards I should be better than ever! No one is going to want to deal with this again. No one is going to buy that I’m feeling depressed again. What am I going to do? Go back to counselling? And say what? “Here I am back again for round 101 because the last lot of sessions I had did me the world of good- I was sane for less than a year! So give me a few more sessions and I’ll be back again this time next year”

No. I didn’t think so. I mean come on after everything that happened last time is anyone really going to take this seriously? After everything…WHY AM I FEELING LIKE THIS AGAIN???

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